Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
