i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
