my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
