I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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