He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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