I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
