3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
