I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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