you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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