Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
