Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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