A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
