Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
