If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
