He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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