youre lurking in front of me
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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