I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
