I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
