He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
40s are totally the cure
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
