I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
