addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
