She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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