I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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