I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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