it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
