That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
