Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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