when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm like, not good at living.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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