I cannot find my penis.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
