I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
