the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
