i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
