you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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