remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
