I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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