i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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