I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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