Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
