Will you blow on my dice?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
