my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
where are my eyebrows?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
