I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
