Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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