I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
