im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
