I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I could fuck to npr.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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