i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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