that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
