Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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