brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
my liver is dry heaving
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
