Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
