Your dad touched me again.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
