Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
