Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
